Recovery

I jus finished writing my resignation letter. It was the same resignation letter I submitted to Convergys, but for a different reason.

Stupid as it may sound, I worked here to forget the past...to try to carry on and forget the heartache. It was January when I resigned from Cvg. It was March 11 when I started my training here in Sutherland. Five months I've been here was indeed a free struggle to move on. I couldn't forget him while I'm in Cvg. I had to change my environment, work at a differnt place, and get used to a place where he could also be found.

I changed my number. I slowed down in texting him. Ignored his friendster message. It was not very easy but I knew I had to be braver this time. I knew that the tears I have shed will bring a fruit to be able to move on. I found his letter to God in my bag. I found the letter I made to him a few years ago which I failed to send him...when we were still 'one'. Tears flooded my eyes again. Instead of informing him what I got, I cried a prayer to God and asked for the pain to be taken away, to be washed away, to vanish, to disappear. I asked for God's hand to touch me, to guide my hands not to do what could not be pleasing to Him. I've travelled quite far. I should be serious not to go back again. If I would find a way to communicate with Him, I would just end up disappointing myself.

I would not forget the last time we spoke on phone. I will never forget all the things he told me. I regret nothing for telling him what I felt cuz those were mere truth. The words he uttered served as a challenge for me to trudge the road alone. The words he uttered served as a reminder which kept on echoing whenever I felt like I can't carry on any longer. The words he uttered have become a sign from Heaven that we have to end it. I never regret that night I told him everything he needed to know. I never regret when I finally hung up and never called again. I do not regret anything.

For five months, I tried NOT to speak so much about him in my blog. I just sang a song which could both resonate and veil the emotions I got. I simply sang a song, not to deny what I felt, but to let go of what I have kept. I used to see him with angst. I used to remember him with a painful memory... But now, I think, he's just a good memory. A memory I do not want to reminisce anymore because we both know it's no good. (Ironic how a good memory could not be a good thing to reminisce!). A memory I will just bury in the ground and think that it was just a dream. I do not hate him anymore... Slowly, I am learning how to forgive.

Five months could be compared to a speed of light, but those five months were filled with gloomy air everytime I get home from work. The mp3 songs that were playing on my Nano were trying hardly to efface what I felt. I thought those songs could help me. Somehow they did, but then in the end, there is still 'One' thing that will really help you surrender every worldy desire that is dwelling in you.

I wanted to be wild, but then I realized if I would ruin my life, I only sank the bar and proclaimed that I'm the loser of my own game. I knew I had to find the Man I used to talk with. The Man I used to cry my tears to. The Man who always offered a shoulder and who carried me when everything seems so heavy. The day before I realized I had chicken pox, I was thinking about permanently embedding a tattoo on my body. Temptations were dancing around me as if luring me to taste them... By the grace of God, He blocked every evil in my sight. He was not the one who gave that chicky chicky pox! That disease was the consequence of my own negligence and disobedience... to Him.

Eden told me that God is a good God and He'll never teach me a lesson by afflicting me with sickness. June told me that I should not worry because 'mawawala din yang chicken pox mo.' Anma advised me to consult a doctor so that he can prescribe a medicine for me.

Within three weeks, I lay in bed... Within three weeks, I studied HTML, xHTML, and CSS... Within three weeks, I realized how God loves me still.

I will be resigning in Sutherland for two reasons: (1) I want to pursue the career i really really really want. Whatever that is, sa 'min na lang muna ni Lord yon. (2) Second, takot na ko sa sobrang holdapan dito sa Makati.

I thought there were just two reasons... Well, there is this last reason. I am resigning because finally I have fully accepted that I and my ex are not bound to be together. I have accepted it and it's not like before when deep inside I was hurting.

I think I did the right thing. I think it was right that I cried for JC (Jesus Christ)... cuz if I asked to be rescued by darkness, I know I will never feel the light today...worse, I might not be able to recover.

I love my life. I want to live longer. I know I still have a lot of things to do. I realized how great it feels to fall for Jesus Christ. He is Someone who will never abandon you in spite of the heartaches you gave Him. I don't want to hurt Him again. I don't want to cause HIm to weep again. I don't want to let go of Him anymore. I love Him...because He loved me first.

I will resign to Sutherland and Im praying that He will help me find that job He wants for me.

Thy will be done, My Lord. I will follow you now... Just don't let go...